??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
