I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
