I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
