So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
