the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
