Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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