I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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