And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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