I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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