He kissed a someone with a penis
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
