my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
