Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
