Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
