Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
