If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
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The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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