I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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