I'm jealous of your bromance
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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