wanna go halves on a baby?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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