seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
