I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
