My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
