I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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