omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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