we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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