I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
