omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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