nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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