Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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