Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
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I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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