I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
