Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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