I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
