She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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