I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The air was thick with penises
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
