"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize