Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
