just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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