K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
