I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
