Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
