Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
