so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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