You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
