in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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