Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
