I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
