Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
