I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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