How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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