last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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