How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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