I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
