There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
