I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
