Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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