Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
