My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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